Wolfsbane :: A Remus Lupin archive

Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise, and no profit is being made.
Beta: Mrs Muggle
Author's Notes: If you are sensitive to issues regarding pregnancy, you are respectfully advised to use your judgement before reading.

This is set during Order of the Phoenix, Half-Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows, and attempts to explain the rather dramatic shifts that their relationship takes in canon.

The potion is pink, so pink, and Tonks stares at it in a horrified disbelief which becomes amazed confusion. It's impossible, except that it isn't, as she well knows, even though it was only one time and they had consulted the calendar and assured themselves that they'd be fine.

She touches her stomach for a second, and then pinches her arm to check that she's not dreaming. She isn't, though the mark that blossoms on her arm is perilously close to the shade of the potion, and she turns her attention back to the vial. Its label is gaudy and irritates her now; 99.2% accurate result within FOUR DAYS in huge red letters mocks her, and she tells herself that maybe she is the 0.8% even though she knows she almost certainly isn't.

Pink means a girl, she thinks, and she can't believe it, so instead she ponders how best to tell Remus, who has just gone away on a mission for Dumbledore. An owl won't do, but she can hardly tell him face to face, and a Patronus would draw attention. She remembers that he is supposed to meet Hestia every few weeks so that she can update the Order on his behalf, and Tonks wonders how best to persuade her to switch.

Hestia agrees without fuss, mainly because she is all too eager to avoid the forest and would far rather take a guard duty or two, and six days into Remus' new post, Tonks finds herself beneath an Invisibility Cloak, up a tree, in a clearing of a forest she was told as a child in Defence Against the Dark Arts was home to some of the foulest beasts to walk the Earth.

Remus appears, but he's half an hour late, so when he finally shows up she is inwardly shaking with fear, and her wand is drawn. She studies him as he approaches – she thinks that he has lost weight even in a few days, and his face is alarmingly grey, and when he comes within hexing distance she notices that the wrinkles that line his forehead now seem to be etched more deeply. His robes, once heavily darned but fully serviceable, are now ragged and dirty, and it is this, more than anything, which scares her, because Remus takes pride in his appearance, if only because he cares too much about what other people think of him. Now, she fears, perhaps he has lost some of his dignity, and it terrifies her, because Dumbledore thinks that he should be liaising with the werewolves for a significant portion of the next few years. She shudders when she wonders how much damage the long-term exposure will do.

He stops in the middle of the clearing and looks around, and Tonks gets the impression that he is checking for Death Eaters and werewolves rather than Hestia, so she remains undercover until he relaxes slightly, which assures her that they are alone.

"Romulus," she says, her voice low so that it won't carry beyond the clearing. It is one of the codenames all the Order members use, but he recognises her voice, and he stiffens before looking up into the tree. She lifts the cloak just enough to reveal one foot, so that he knows where she is and has a place to pinpoint his confused stare, and then she climbs down the tree to face him.

"Are you okay?" he asks, even though it should be her asking him.

"I'm pregnant."

A few weeks later, Remus leaves the forest, though he says that he will have to go back at some point, maybe in a year or two when the pack has a new leader who might be more open to Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix. A year is a long time, though, and they smile whenever one of them mentions that fact that he will be around to see the baby born. (Neither of them points out the significant risk that one or both of them will miss seeing her grow up.)

They decide to call her Natalie, and give her the middle name Estelle because Andromeda wants something vaguely astronomy-related to carry on the traditions of a family they have always tried to forget they are part of. The year passes in a blur of morning sickness and buying baby things with money Remus always guiltily reminds her has to come out of her Gringotts account because his is nearly empty. People they haven't seen in years find reasons to visit so that they can congratulate them and make arrangements to visit after Natalie is born.

There are low points in the year, like when Arthur Weasley is attacked by a snake and for a while, it is touch and go and Molly's life is put on hold. Later, much later, Snape sends a Patronus to Grimmauld Place, which tells them to get themselves to the Department of Mysteries, and now. Remus and Sirius tell her to stay at home, but she knows the department and the role of the Auror too well, and she refuses. Instead, she morphs away her swollen breasts and rounded stomach, which the Healers have frequently assured her is safe, despite her own and Remus' doubts on the subject, and follows them into battle. She holds her own, sending hex after hex, and has the bitter joy of seeing a Death Eater go down before she turns to duel with Bellatrix.

The spell that hits her causes near-unbearable pain, and for a split-second, she loses her concentration on the battle as she tries to work out how badly she is injured. The momentary pause gives Bellatrix the opportunity she needs, and Tonks falls, clutching her stomach in instantaneous guilt and protectiveness, and thanks God and Merlin that her legs hit the floor first, though the ominous crunch and searing pain before she blacks out tells her that they are broken.

She wakes some time later in the middle of a department that has been reduced to rubble and confusion. She is immediately aware that she has lost control of her morph, and that everything hurts like hell, and Remus clutches her hand in both of his. Mad-Eye, expression fraught though he tries to hide it, points his wand at her and casts every variation on Rennervate that he knows, and she wonders how badly she must be hurt to reduce Mad-Eye to that sort of panic. When they realise that she is conscious, Mad-Eye gives a relieved nod before going away to check on the others. Remus speaks to her, asks if she is okay, reassures her that, miraculously, Natalie appears unharmed, tells her that she isn't fighting anymore, not while she is pregnant, because it is far too risky, and she nods, though she can read in his face that something has gone badly wrong.

She counts Order members, tries to place the children who are gradually being sent back to Hogwarts, and she doesn't resist when Remus stands, pulls her to her feet, and says that she needs more care than Moody's Healing Charms can offer. Normally she would object, but Natalie might need to be at St Mungo's, and she isn't sure she can stand to be here anymore. They are most of the way there when she realises that she never saw Sirius.

She mentions this, and his face clouds, and he doesn't have to say anything.

Molly takes her hand, mutters something, I'm so, so sorry, and strokes her hand, but Tonks doesn't respond, can't, doesn't want to. Remus tries to offer some comfort, too, slips his arm around her shoulders and attempts to say something, but his voice cracks and croaks and she realises that he can't speak either. Maybe it should be reassuring, but it isn't, and though she clings to him, she doesn't lean into him the way she usually does.

Eventually Molly tries to take Natalie's body away, but Tonks clings to her, and studies her face. It's real, so real, and so very pink, but frozen, far too still. For a while, Tonks almost convinces herself that if she can wait long enough, Natalie will move, cry, breathe, live, but she doesn't, and when Tonks eventually collapses on Remus' shoulder, body quivering with silent sobs, and Molly takes Natalie away, Tonks wants to cry No! but she can't, and then it is too late.

"It wasn't your fault, Miss Tonks," the Healers reassure her. "I'm sure the battle last month had nothing to do with it."

They are lying, she suspects, and Remus seems convinced that his lycanthropy also had something to do with it, while Molly whispers again and again that it is just horrible, horrible luck, and she offers endless sympathy and cups of tea.

A week ago, Tonks had morphed pink hair and a flat stomach, and laughed and threatened the Dursleys with Remus and Mad-Eye. Her stomach lurches at the thought, and she decides not to wear her hair pink anymore.

During the funeral, Remus makes a speech, and chokes his way through a stanza of Muggle poetry, but Tonks doesn't really listen because her attention is drawn and held by the coffin that is too small, and it is so unfair, and when they bury Natalie's body, Tonks feels guilty because she cannot quite resign herself to goodbye. When she remembers that she should have said it, it is too late.

She cries properly that night, into Remus' shoulder, and he cries into hers, and they make love for something to do, maybe out of instinct or habit, perhaps for some protection against reality, but it isn't right, and it isn't fair, and she fakes her orgasm, between sobs, and maybe he does too.

When he studies her in the morning, his eyes are soft with concern and sharp with fear and bleary with sleep and pink with crying, and she reaches a hand to push his hair out of his eyes, and wishes she could push the anxiety out of his heart as well, but she can't. There's not much he can do for her, either, though he tries, bringing her breakfast in bed, holding her hand after they've eaten, and pressing a single chaste kiss to her forehead before he stands and mutters something about sending an owl to the Ministry for her.

Tonks stands up and shakes her head, and though he says something about time for herself and necessary break and Scrimgeour understanding, her work is important, and he should know it.

"I'll have to go in a few days," he says, voice tight with regret, and she looks up at him and meets his eyes.

She nods, because she knew that. The sooner he begins his spying, the better his chance of success, after all (she only hopes it isn't too late already).

"Will you be all right?" he asks her. "Because I could speak to Dumbledore. Put it off for a few days. Maybe it would be better."

Tonks shakes her head – the war is all either of them has left now – and begins to dress for work. The faded T shirt she pulls over her head is pink, a muted shade of death, and she sniffs against the sobs that threaten to get in her way before she selects a different shirt.

"I'll see you afterwards," Remus says, kissing her goodbye, the same chaste kiss that isn't quite right. "Good luck."

She is relocated to Hogsmeade a few weeks later.

Apparently it has nothing to do with the fact that she just lost her baby, but that's rubbish, as they all know. The job is repetitive and boring, and far too safe, which she would object to if only she could summon the energy. But she can't, doesn't really want to, and while she is a good Auror when she has to be, her heart isn't really in it. She has to move out of her flat, and she makes a failed effort not to care when her parents stop her giving away Natalie's nursery furniture, and take it away to store in their attic.

Molly is amazing, providing advice when it is needed, and a shoulder to cry on whenever there is a report that there has been another werewolf attack. When the Ministry raids a camp and captures a pack of werewolves one full moon (four of them die of injuries sustained during the capture, though the Ministry neglects to mention this to outsiders), Molly stays up all night and well into the morning providing a cycle of hugs and conversation and cups of tea until Remus finally manages to find a safe moment to let Hestia know he is okay.

She can be annoyingly motherly, though, fretting because Tonks is losing weight, and pressing endless meals on her because she suspects (rightly) that Tonks has been forgetting to eat. Molly also tells her, again and again, that none of this (Natalie and Sirius, Emmeline, Amelia, and now Remus off trying to convert werewolves who won't listen) is her fault, but Tonks only nods because it is easier than disagreeing.

Tonks keeps her hair mousy, which seems fitting, and makes her stand out less when she is working. People begin to comment on it, so she wears her hair blue around her mother, who worries about it the most, and makes a point of avoiding the rest of them. Molly never comments, even though Tonks has noticed the concerned glances whenever Molly thinks her back is turned, so Tonks enjoys her company far more than she ever imagined she would.

At some point, her old Patronus deserts her. The old one had been cheerful and clumsy, whereas the new werewolf is serious and reserved, so she supposes it suits her. Molly tries to hide her worry when Tonks shows her the change, and says that the new one is beautiful, but Fleur – who is annoyingly good at all the wizarding psychology that Tonks only swotted up enough of to pass the theory exams in Auror training – mutters darkly about deep emotional upset, and keeps looking equal parts curious and concerned.

Tonks avoids sending any messages to Remus (his renewed role as spy makes that very easy), but the other Order members all see her Patronus, and while some, like Snape, let her know their opinion and then leave her alone, others stick to the looks of pity. It drives her mad, but there is nothing she can do about it.

Fleur takes her aside, once, and asks if she is okay. Tonks glares at her, but Fleur stares her down, and then carefully rephrases her question, asking if she is any worse than would be expected, given the circumstances. Tonks snaps at her and storms out of the room.

When she apologises a few days later, Fleur nods, and says, "For what eet eez worth, I am very sorry."

Remus turns up on her doorstep some time around March. He is white-faced, hair greyer than it used to be, and far thinner than he was, but he is still hers, and she clings to him, relieved to see the only person who can really understand. She hopes for conversation and reassurance, but when she pulls back to study him, she realises that he looks terrified, still hurting from a much more recent emotional wound. There are physical wounds, too, and she heals several cuts and bruises as she pulls him to her chair and pushes him into it. He submits where he would normally tell her not to fuss, which puzzles her, and when she puts her arms around him and asks what is wrong, he buries his face in the curve of her neck and inhales for a second. Normally, he would draw courage from her presence, but now, he doesn't seem to.

"Earlier on, I had to watch Greyback attack a baby girl," he says, voice cracking. "Just because her parents refused to join Voldemort. She was a maybe a few weeks older than Nattie would have been."

Tonks pulls him closer, and his arms encircle her, and they sit together for much of the night, and wonder why the world is so unfair.

"How have you been?" he asks when he has recovered enough. He can surely tell by looking at her, so Tonks shrugs, and urges him to tell her about his spying. "It's useless," is all he says, and Tonks finds her trust in Dumbledore wavers, just for a second, as she wonders why.

His resolve returns in the morning, and Tonks watches him leave, wondering if he'll come back. She suspects he won't leave the werewolves' camp again, even if he needs to, and she sits and thinks about that for a while.

It's a waste, a pointless waste, and she hates war, and she resents the Order, for a moment, and she wants nothing more than to be a family, a clichéd, happy little unit, her, Remus and Natalie, and then she shakes her head and tries to get a grip on herself. She doesn't really succeed, and when she goes on duty in Hogsmeade and sees a woman with twins in a pushchair, she has to duck into the loos at the Three Broomsticks so that she can cry unseen.

Remus returns, much to her surprise, in April.

She is in the Auror Department, which is rare for her these days, and alerts her to the fact that Remus must have heard the news that has been keeping her there all day: an Auror, Jack Hope, was killed on duty last night, and the mess that was left indicates an attack by werewolves. His widow, Cecilia, was a school friend of Tonks', and Tonks is simultaneously horrified and jealous to hear that they have three happy, healthy children. She feels guilty that she cares, but she does, and she buries herself in the formal paperwork that has to be done, so that Proudfoot, whose job it ought to be, can go home to his own happy family.

When Remus enters the room, she smiles at him, waving him over to her and dumping the file she was looking through on to the top of an overcrowded filing cabinet. His face is set, though, and she frowns when he tells her that he was there last night, and he couldn't do anything.

His words are uncharacteristically harsh, but he is also decisive, when he tells her that an Auror cannot be connected to a werewolf, not now, in particular when the werewolf in question is annoying Greyback so often. Tonks points out that there is no way Greyback could find out, but Remus shakes his head and says that he thinks the werewolves can sense that he is in love with someone, and at some point, they'll find out who.

"They could hurt you," he says. "Hurt you to get to me. I've seen it happen before. I won't see them harm you. You're safe this way."

"How?" she demands. "If you're in love with me, breaking up with me won't change that!" He refuses to see sense, though, and when she yells, "But I love you too!" at his back, he doesn't acknowledge it. She mouths, "Good luck," and hopes that the world will be fair in this, because it hasn't been fair in anything else.

He sends her an owl later on, apologising for breaking the news all wrong, and adding that he was always too old for her anyway, so maybe it's all for the best. He adds some notes for the Aurors' files, inside information on the Hope case that she can't use lest she have to name her source. He signs the note Regards, R-, which is all wrong, and his postscript reminds her that it isn't safe to reply.

They reunite at Hogwarts to do a guard duty, along with Bill Weasley. She has been in charge of guarding the school for ages, with an ever-changing circle of Aurors and Order colleagues, but Remus has never been there before, and she hopes that perhaps he is finally drawing away from the werewolves.

This duty is different, because it is the night where things finally actually happen. Tonks takes control of the others, sending them off to different points of the Hogwarts Entrance Hall. Between curses, she notices that a few of their soldiers are kids, and this terrifies her; she can't see Harry among them, which confuses her, and then scares her even more.

She has one near miss, and the Death Eater who tried to curse her pays with a jinx that takes him out for what ought to be the next few days; Remus has at least two very close shaves, but the two of them stay within eye contact of each other, and both help the other out on occasion, and, for a battle, it is almost companionable.

Tonks loses sight of Bill, and it comes as a shock when, as most of the enemy follow Snape as he runs out of the castle, the parting crowd reveals a limp body, red blood, and ginger hair. Tonks runs to him, closely followed by Remus. The bite marks on Bill's face are fresh and raw and horribly pink, and she shudders to see them.

Remus steels himself and moves to levitate Bill's body to take him to the Hospital Wing; Tonks follows his example, moving to check that the kids are okay, and ends up helping Ginny up the stairs. Madam Pomfrey insists on checking the two of them over, and once she has healed a cut above Remus' eye and Tonks' sprained left wrist, she leaves them to sit beside Bill.

Molly's face is flushed pink with suppressed anger, and her eyes have become the same colour from tears, and she clutches Bill's hand. At his other side (Tonks and Remus moved out of the way and into the background a while back) Fleur gazes at him, pride evident alongside the worry in her eyes, and when she insists upon helping care for Bill, Tonks watches Remus, who refuses to meet her eyes.

Her hand moves to rest on her stomach, reminding her that Fleur has the opportunity for everything that Tonks ever wanted, and when Fleur gushes about Bill's bravery, she finally snaps and says, "You see!"

When they leave the Hospital Wing, she and Remus walk together, not touching, and he takes her to the Shrieking Shack. She takes in the claw marks and broken furniture that speak of the Shack's former use, but they fail to make his point for him, because she's seen much worse before. She shrugs, and mutters, "I don't care."

They sit together, for a while, and talk. He tells her of his fears for her safety and their happiness; she tells him that she has thought it through, made plans. He looks doubtful, and she finally whispers, "Would you have stayed if Natalie had lived?"

She has never voiced the thought before, nor mentioned the word 'lived' in connection with their daughter's name, and she has to make a conscious effort to suppress tears. Remus' resolve breaks, and he clutches her to him tightly even as he says, "I'm not sure. Maybe. Probably. No."

She kisses him, or he kisses her, and she whispers, "I love you," and then sighs into his chest, wondering why she expects that to convince him. He finally seems to believe her, though; he nods rather than saying the words himself, but his embrace tightens, and his hands move under her faded pink T shirt to stroke her back. She arches up, he presses back and then he loves her.

On the morning after their wedding night, a month later, Tonks awakens feeling queasy, and she remembers the feeling, even though she can't quite bear to. She Apparates to Diagon Alley and back before Remus awakens, and locks the bathroom door while she uncorks the potion, telling herself that she's just making sure she's imagining things. Part of her wants the potion to turn pink, the rest wants it to be negative, and when it glows blue, she grips the towel rail for something to hold onto, and then lets herself cry, properly, into Remus' shabby brown bath towel. It's too fast, their wedding probably was too, and she finds that she hasn't a clue what happens now.

She is disturbed half an hour later by Remus banging on the door, and his concerned voice asking if she is okay.

"Yes," she says, curtly, and he isn't convinced, unlocking the door magically and sitting beside her. He stares at the potion vial for a second, face becoming white as he realises what it is, and then his arms are around her.

"What do you want to do?" he asks, voice shaky, when they've been sitting awhile.

Tonks shrugs. "We can't have a baby. Not now. War. It's a stupid idea. We can't. But perhaps we need him."

Remus nods.

That evening, they visit Natalie's grave.

It's been a few weeks since Tonks last visited, what with the battle and the funeral and work and the wedding, but far longer for Remus, and she watches his face soften a little as he lays tiny wild flowers on it, and then sits next to Tonks, their knees touching, arms around each other.

Recently, silences have been awkward, but this one is companionable, if sad, and a glance at Remus tells Tonks that he is as thoughtful as she is.

"We can do this again, can't we," Remus says, though he looks doubtful. Tonks nods.

"For her," she says, running her hand over the stone just in front of them and resting it on the word Lupin.

They sit like that and watch the sunset. The sky blooms pink, bright pink, with the occasional blue and orange ray, and Tonks morphs her hair to the same colour. She's worn pink once before (Dumbledore always liked it, and it felt rather appropriate to wear it to a funeral) but this time, she smiles at Remus.

The world could carry on, and the war would finish, and she would fight in it, and it wouldn't be quite right, not really, but it would get closer.

Life could begin to go on.