Note: Written for the Harry Potter Random Facts Fest, which is not associated with Sycophant Hex.

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20 Random Facts about Remus Lupin


1. He hates lists. It seems vaguely rancorous to begin a list of twenty things about the man by pointing out that he would, in fact, hate this very list by virtue of its format, but lists are generally accompanied by catalogues, and catalogues lead to registries, and registries – well. It's not terribly difficult to make the leap there, is it?

2. His name has appeared on more lists in his life than he cares to count – Past Due, To be Evicted, Wanted for Questioning, Known Werewolves. It's all become fairly tiresome, really.

3. He has had a bit of trouble with the Muggle police in the past. He is generally opposed to using Memory Charms and other such magic to evade them, but at the same time, it seems rather ridiculous to uphold principles like that when faced with jail time, and so yes, he has been known to do whatever necessary to remain a free man, at least until he could slip back into the Wizarding world.

4. It wasn't anything major, if that's what you're thinking – not like rape or murder or the like. But it's marginally possible that he might have accepted money for giving the odd blow job in Paris in 1984, and he might have run a few kilos of heroin across to Algiers in 1986, and maybe, if pressed, he would admit to driving a friend across the border from Hungary to Austria in early 1989… in a stolen car.

5. It is entirely possible that the job offer from Dumbledore came in at just the right time, in fact, and he really didn't give too much thought to his lack of teaching experience, the fatal curse on the position, or the general inevitability that he would be outed to the entire Wizarding world as a werewolf by the end of the year. It was a chance at three hot meals a day and a safe place to sleep, after all, and in a well-hidden castle that the Turkish Interior Ministry wasn't likely to find.

6. He has a rather philosophical view of the rule of law in general, especially in the (alleged) liberal democracies of western Europe. It is difficult to find the energy to obey the laws of a system that claims that all men are created equal when, in fact, that very system regularly seeks out men it deems not equal, and proceeds to prosecute them for that offence alone.

7. He has spent a great deal of time in eastern Europe and North Africa, because at least in those places he knows for certain that he is not equal, and no one pretends otherwise. He finds it amusingly ironic that he has more freedom to go about his business there than in his home country, whose politicians chant about freedom and liberty until they're blue in the face, but would still arrest him just for walking down the street with the wrong colour handkerchief in his back pocket.

8. Oh. Well, yes, there's also that, about the handkerchief. You don't really want to hear about that, though, do you? Surely the blow-jobs-in-Paris comment was sufficient?

9. Very well. Along with a rather philosophical view of the rule of law, Remus also has a rather philosophical view of sexuality. He tries to be consistent in his worldview, after all, and so he thinks that if he's going to insist that all men (and women) should be equal in the public sphere, then all men (and women) should also be equal in the private sphere. He's had occasion to test this theory, of course, many, many times, and generally concludes after each one that yes, indeed, the type of bits possessed by the person naked in his bed doesn't really matter to him, so long as that person knows what to do with them.

10. This may make him sound rather promiscuous, which is not really the case. Depending on your definition of 'promiscuous,' that is.

11. His philosophical views on things have, on occasion, led him to make some poor choices in his life, and he is consistently surprised when his philosophical musings on what the outcome of a given situation should be don't quite line up with what the outcome of a given situation actually is. This disconnect has led to some rather embarrassing fumbles, including (but not limited to): his best friend's death, his near-mauling of that best friend's son, and, of course, his marriage.

12. Perhaps that isn't fair. He wanted to get married, after all. He's not such an amateur at magic to have been hoodwinked by a love potion or spell. She was persistent, yes, but she also had a smile that could melt a troll's heart, a self-deprecating sense of humour that made him shake his head and laugh in ways he hadn't in years, and she knew even more about collars and safe words than he would have thought possible. At the same time, though, all of that didn't mean he should have married her, for God's sake.

13. He loves Tonks. No, really. But he also knows that he is a romantic at heart and he has been known to fall in and out of love with ease and regularity. There are at least seven other people he could name off the top of his head whom he has also loved in his life, all with the same intensity with which he loves his wife.

14. Sometimes, he looks at Harry and his chest literally aches to see James staring back at him.

15. There have always been three kinds of men in his life: friends, brothers, and lovers. James and Sirius never quite knew which category they should be in, but then, they were never very good at following rules.

16. He misses them so much some days, he can hardly speak.

17. He has cheated on his wife five times: four times in his imagination, and once in actual deed. He's not proud of it, but he also can't quite bring himself to regret it.

18. When Teddy is born, he remembers the way James used to look at Harry, his eyes brighter than Remus had ever seen them. "Just wait, Moony," he used to say. "You'll see what it's like someday." He'd wrap Harry up in both arms and lower his lips to the soft dusting of black hair on Harry's head. "Never thought I'd give a toss about a baby, but God, look at him. He's mine, isn't he? It's fucking brilliant." He gazes at the tiny bundle in his own arms, wraps him up the way James had done, and thinks he finally understands.

19. The war is a nightmare that won't end. He's seen it all before, too many times, but this one is still different. He holds his mother-in-law the night Ted leaves, wondering if his marriage will ever be as strong as theirs. He watches Lee and Kingsley do their broadcasts from the cellar of abandoned warehouses and tries to calculate how much longer they have until they're caught. He remembers Beirut in 1982 and Bucharest in 1990 and can barely wrap his head around all the hate in the world.

20. He doesn't remember much about the final battle, but he does remember walking with his family – his old family, his real family – through the forest. He grips Sirius's hand, smiles at Lily and lets James nudge him with a friendly elbow, bright eyes not leaving his son. Harry tells him he's sorry, and Remus smiles sadly at him, thinking of Teddy, and the leaves crunching under his feet, and the sputtering engine of a stolen Trabant crawling through the bush on the banks of the Danube one night towards the promise of a new life. He finds himself feeling a bit philosophical about the whole thing: something is ending, sure, but something else is waiting just around the corner, ready to begin.


-fin-